Time To Get Real
I feel a little like Carrie Bradshaw right now…sneaking out of bed while an incredibly handsome man snores lightly in my bed. I’m wrapped in his robe while I type away at something that’s been dying to get out. Something that just can’t wait until tomorrow no matter how many times I try to convince myself that it can. Wow, that all sounded to glamorous. If only I could take a picture and prove you wrong, but then I fear you wouldn’t want to be my friend, Scratch that. No pictures – sorry to disappoint 🙂
So, I guess I just need an outlet. Something besides FF. Not because he’s not good enough mind you, but because he is so tremendously awesome & sweet that he deserves a break from my drama. And because I need to be honest with everyone. Mostly? Myself.
I am a silver lining seeker by nature. To a fault perhaps. I strive to see good in any situation or person. It’s what I do. You can even see it in the first vlog & posts I did after my accident and after I lost my job. But my rose colored glasses are beginning to fail me. I’m struggling on a daily basis to get through. Emotionally, this unemployment has begun to take its toll.
Luckily in the last few days I have been approved for both Medicaid and Unemployment. So after a month I am covered for all my health needs and there will be a paycheck coming in every week for me again. Nowhere near what I was making but enough to help make ends meet. Enough so that I can finally go to Walmart and buy some shaving cream and body wash. Enough that FF & I talked tonight about a break in the clouds and something that could be a bright spot in the forseeable future. Enough so that I can breathe. But now that I’m taking a moment to really feel the weight lift of my shoulders, I can see how much panic I was allowing into my everyday life. And I was just swallowing it! And moving along. And smiling. And not letting anyone see I was so damn sad!
I was so busy reassuring everyone that I was fine and no one needed to worry that I actually started to believe it myself. But the reality is I had some big stuff happen to me in recent months and I needed some time to just breathe. To let it sink in and I needed to wallow a bit. That’s allowed sometimes right? (I don’t care what your answer is by the way, because mine is yes.) So yes, I got hit by a car, lost my job, my health insurance and my last chance for a few months to get my license back all in a one week period. Ouch! If I read that happening to someone else? I think my heart would break a little for them. But for me, I mean happening to me, just another day. Hell you’re looking at a girl who found out she had diabetes & a cheating husband within 48 hours of each other. And I survived right? Well, that girl has come a long way, but I didn’t get here without issue. There was therapy involved. And some retail therapy. And possibly some alcohol misuse…and some other, um, stuff. But I made it through and I’m stronger and prouder for it.
I keep telling myself this is a bump in the road. And it is. It just feels like a bigger bump right now because I am allowing it to. And I am allowing it to effect other aspects of my life too. Socially, I’m not interacting with people as much as I would like. Whether that be through social media or actual face time with IRL friends. I spend a lot of time with FF and my family. Yes, that’s partially due to the financial situation as of late but still. I’ve been tough on myself emotionally – feeling guilty about not pushing my body harder at the gym or for eating that Easter candy (um, coconut nests are my kryptonite!). For not spending more time perfecting that cover letter or not applying for that job that is clearly beneath me but better than not having a job at all. Every time I turn around I am berating myself for something. It’s terrible and it has to stop. Now. Hell, yesterday!
And of course this has an effect on my relationship with FF. I’m tense, he can sense that. So he tiptoes a bit to be courteous of course and what do I do? Instead of being thankful & gracious I take his tiptoeing as patronization and I get more angry & withdrawn. At some point one of us will approach the other with a simple, “I’m sorry.” (It should always be me, but it’s not. I’m lucky he’s a good guy – or that he doesn’t trust his car enough to run too far away!) and we talk it out. And life is good. And there are kisses and snuggles and giggles (well, I giggle. He just looks at me goofy).
I keep getting mad at myself for not writing more. But I am. I am journaling a lot lately. I’m at a point where it might not make it from my journal to these pages, but I’m ok with that. After all, I’m allowed to keep stuff private after all. But I am spending a lot of time & energy trying to find a job. It’s terrifying & exhausting. And emotionally draining when you pour your heart out for a job over and over and over again only to be rewarded with, at best so far, “we’ll keep your resume on file for one year in case your experience is something we’re looking for…” yada yada yada STFU. I try not to let it get to me, but it is.
I’ve started meal planning. It’s been fun and it’s nice to know what has to be thawed out everyday and to look forward to certain meals. We plan it together on the weekends and make a grocery list based on that. It makes for cheaper shopping too. And it’s helping me to feel not so terrible about my body. Yeah, about that. I’m 3 pounds away from my heaviest ever – and I am obviously not happy about it. But I am feeling stuck. I’m having trouble finding a daily eating routine for myself. In the one month I have been at home during the day my eating habits have run rampant. From days where I barely eat until dinner to days where I can’t shove enough food in my face. Luckily I am back in the gym now but those first few weeks of being confined to my donut & eating my feelings were terrible! ANd my workouts? Yuck! Pretty much confined to cardio right now, which will help me slim down but it won’t help with muscle tone when I put a bikini on (hopefully) soon. I know, being back at the gym less than a month after breaking my tailbone (and a pinched nerve in my shoulder) should be enough to make me happy. But it isn’t. And again, I need to fix that.
So, I think I will be done venting for now. I truly have much to be grateful for. My life is truly amazing and I am thankful for everyone that is a part of it. And I know these problems are within my own mind, and therefore well within my own power to fix. I think it will just mean waking up & resolving to make it better. A positive attitude really is everything. Thanks for hanging in and reading this woe is me crap. I hope now that I put it out there into the universe it will let me crawl back into bed with the hottest AND coolest man known to…man! XO
*note to readers: If I went back to edit this, I wouldn’t post it. So please forgive any grammatical or other atrocious errors you may find. This is my brain on overshare mode*