I got some news today that has left me reeling. It brings back old memories & emotions while evoking anger & guilt. Ginger might be sick. And i feel strange. I want to preface this all with telling you how much I love FF (like I have to reiterate!) and that I am more than content with where life has taken me and where I am. As the new tattoo reads, “I wouldn’t trade the pain for what I’ve learned.” True fucking story.
I’ve mentioned before that I was pretty much batshit crazy when Ginger & I broke up. It was part of the reason for our split & took a turn for the worst once I actually moved out. We continued to “hang out” (hook up) under my impression we were going to try to work through things until I got to a more stable mental place. We had agreed not to see other people & if one of us met someone we would talk about it together before proceeding with anyone else. After the second time I hung out with FF & he asked me to dinner (and we had kissed) I knew I had to talk to Ginger. But he beat me to the punch.
I told him we needed to chat and he agreed. And before I could tell him about FF he informed me that he had met someone. They had been on a few dates and he knew he had more of a future with her than with me. I was crushed, which now seems so silly because of what has since transpired in my love life. I guess at the time I wanted to know I had Ginger to fall back on should things not work out with FF. Regardless, I was angry. I felt like he should have told me long before he did that there was someone else in the picture. But he didn’t. The following weekend I showed up at his house and he helped me move the rest of my stuff to a storage unit. He told me that day that he thought it would be best if we didn’t speak for a while. It was hard to respect his wishes, but I did it.
Over the next year we would occasionally be in touch. I wished him a happy birthday when his came around and he, the same for me. He went through several girlfriends while FF & I continued to get closer. He even met FF at least once when Ginger had a part to fix my car and we went down to get it.
My sister (and my whole family really) loved Ginger. They saw him as someone who would be “good for me.” He had a house, a career, a college education, a good family and he was a good, kind person in general. Sis loved him so much she continued inviting him to events in our family, like BIL’s birthday party. That was going to be the first night my family met FF but that didn’t happen. FF wasn’t warmed up to the way Ginger was – which was my fault. I didn’t like how involved my family had become in my relationship with Ginger. And with having a nephew now I wasn’t going to just bring guys around whenever I met someone. I waited almost 4 months after I met FF to introduce him to my family. I think they took that as a sign I wasn’t proud to be with him – it wasn’t. It was a protective measure for all involved.
On by birthday the year after we broke up, I spotted Ginger at the bar we were at. I pretty much had a panic attack. I don’t know why honestly. It sounds so silly & childish now but because he lived an hour away it was not normal to just run into him. It took me by surprise. We got in touch over the next few days and decided to have dinner and chat. I guess I never felt like I got any closure. ANd while FF flat out said he didn’t understand why I felt it necessary, he supported me in attempting to close this chapter.
Over dinner it was awkward. We caught up but he was distant. I think we were both pretty uncomfortable. When I left I felt like I had expected, kinda empty and sad. But I did feel like I gained that closure I had been desperately seeking. And also, BGF had little baby RJ that night. I got the phone call just as I got in my car to leave the restaurant. ANd that was that.
Sis still updated me on things with Ginger as they were still pretty close (this bothers a lot of people. It bothered me too, and then I remembered I was still having monthly dinners with Ginger’s sister. Just because we weren’t together anymore didn’t mean that friendship also had to cease. I’m actually still in touch with several of BDNF’s family members too FWIW). I received a text message from him in January or February of 2010 that asked me to respect him & his girlfriend and no longer contact him. It took me by surprise and stung a little bit but I didn’t even respond. I had no need to contact him. Sure, I wanted to maintain a friendship but if he wasn’t willing I wasn’t gonna fight for it. I also expected this. Ginger was a very jealous and protective person. When we were dating there were several arguments over people in my life that I still spoke to. He wanted me for himself. Yes, looking back I know what this looks like. There are more things that transpired during our relationship that should have sent the red flags soaring but I was so in love. Hindsight. It’s 20/20.
At Easter Sis dropped the bomb that Ginger was sick. Testicular cancer. She kept me posted about his progress and prognosis. I asked her to relay my sympathies to him. I don’t know if she did but oh well. Six months later, he got the al clear and him and his girlfriend moved to Colorado (which had been our plan too. He was simply waiting for the right person to make the move with. I’m glad I wasn’t that person. I love Vermont – and my family, too much!). It actually took me by surprise to look at Sis’s Christmas album on Facebook because all of a sudden? There was Ginger and his girlfriend, with MY nephews! (BIL is from Colorado and they spent Christmas out there with his family). First I was mad, then sad and then I thought, “What the fuck is your deal? Your life is awesome.” And it’s true. There is no place I’d rather be and no other man I would rather spend my life with than FF (not even Johnny Depp! That’s saying something!). Plus, while Ginger is lightyears ahead of BDNF in the looks department – still not comparable at all to FF. I’m still not so sure how a man so hot would ever have given me a chance 🙂
I called my mom yesterday to get an address for my aunt. She informed me that Ginger had found another lump in his groin. He will be flying in from CO in the next few days and staying with my parents while he gets his testing completed. I feel weird. First, I won’t be welcome at my parent’s house while he’s there. That’s not their call, but mine. Luckily, even though they only live around the corner, I don’t visit much. I also want to reach out, tell him I’m sorry and I’ll be keeping him in my thoughts and prayers. But I can’t. So I asked Sis once again to relay the message.
I don’t know why he still throws me for an emotional loop after all this time. We only dated for a year and it’s been 2.5 since we split up. I have found an equal in FF and something I wouldn’t give up. But for some reason, there’s still pain and anger when I think of Ginger. I know someday it will pass. Until then, I pray for strength and understanding for me and for good test results for GInger. XO