This is my blog…nacho blog

Memories

I got some news today that has left me reeling. It brings back old memories & emotions while evoking anger & guilt. Ginger might be sick. And i feel strange. I want to preface this all with telling you how much I love FF (like I have to reiterate!) and that I am more than content with where life has taken me and where I am. As the new tattoo reads, “I wouldn’t trade the pain for what I’ve learned.” True fucking story.

I’ve mentioned before that I was pretty much batshit crazy when Ginger & I broke up. It was part of the reason for our split & took a turn for the worst once I actually moved out. We continued to “hang out” (hook up) under my impression we were going to try to work through things until I got to a more stable mental place. We had agreed not to see other people & if one of us met someone we would talk about it together before proceeding with anyone else. After the second time I hung out with FF & he asked me to dinner (and we had kissed) I knew I had to talk to Ginger. But he beat me to the punch.

I told him we needed to chat and he agreed. And before I could tell him about FF he informed me that he had met someone. They had been on a few dates and he knew he had more of a future with her than with me. I was crushed, which now seems so silly because of what has since transpired in my love life. I guess at the time I wanted to know I had Ginger to fall back on should things not work out with FF. Regardless, I was angry. I felt like he should have told me long before he did that there was someone else in the picture. But he didn’t. The following weekend I showed up at his house and he helped me move the rest of my stuff to a storage unit. He told me that day that he thought it would be best if we didn’t speak for a while. It was hard to respect his wishes, but I did it.

Over the next year we would occasionally be in touch. I wished him a happy birthday when his came around and he, the same for me. He went through several girlfriends while FF & I continued to get closer. He even met FF at least once when Ginger had a part to fix my car and we went down to get it.

My sister (and my whole family really) loved Ginger. They saw him as someone who would be “good for me.” He had a house, a career, a college education, a good family and he was a good, kind person in general. Sis loved him so much she continued inviting him to events in our family, like BIL’s birthday party. That was going to be the first night my family met FF but that didn’t happen. FF wasn’t warmed up to the way Ginger was – which was my fault. I didn’t like how involved my family had become in my relationship with Ginger. And with having a nephew now I wasn’t going to just bring guys around whenever I met someone. I waited almost 4 months after I met FF to introduce him to my family. I think they took that as a sign I wasn’t proud to be with him – it wasn’t. It was a protective measure for all involved.

On by birthday the year after we broke up, I spotted Ginger at the bar we were at. I pretty much had a panic attack. I don’t know why honestly. It sounds so silly & childish now but because he lived an hour away it was not normal to just run into him. It took me by surprise. We got in touch over the next few days and decided to have dinner and chat. I guess I never felt like I got any closure. ANd while FF flat out said he didn’t understand why I felt it necessary, he supported me in attempting to close this chapter.

Over dinner it was awkward. We caught up but he was distant. I think we were both pretty uncomfortable. When I left I felt like I had expected, kinda empty and sad. But I did feel like I gained that closure I had been desperately seeking. And also, BGF had little baby RJ that night. I got the phone call just as I got in my car to leave the restaurant. ANd that was that.

Sis still updated me on things with Ginger as they were still pretty close (this bothers a lot of people. It bothered me too, and then I remembered I was still having monthly dinners with Ginger’s sister. Just because we weren’t together anymore didn’t mean that friendship also had to cease. I’m actually still in touch with several of BDNF’s family members too FWIW). I received a text message from him in January or February of 2010 that asked me to respect him & his girlfriend and no longer contact him. It took me by surprise and stung a little bit but I didn’t even respond. I had no need to contact him. Sure, I wanted to maintain a friendship but if he wasn’t willing I wasn’t gonna fight for it. I also expected this. Ginger was a very jealous and protective person. When we were dating there were several arguments over people in my life that I still spoke to. He wanted me for himself. Yes, looking back I know what this looks like. There are more things that transpired during our relationship that should have sent the red flags soaring but I was so in love. Hindsight. It’s 20/20.

At Easter Sis dropped the bomb that Ginger was sick. Testicular cancer. She kept me posted about his progress and prognosis. I asked her to relay my sympathies to him. I don’t know if she did but oh well. Six months later, he got the al clear and him and his girlfriend moved to Colorado (which had been our plan too. He was simply waiting for the right person to make the move with. I’m glad I wasn’t that person. I love Vermont – and my family, too much!). It actually took me by surprise to look at Sis’s Christmas album on Facebook because all of a sudden? There was Ginger and his girlfriend, with MY nephews! (BIL is from Colorado and they spent Christmas out there with his family). First I was mad, then sad and then I thought, “What the fuck is your deal? Your life is awesome.” And it’s true. There is no place I’d rather be and no other man I would rather spend my life with than FF (not even Johnny Depp! That’s saying something!). Plus, while Ginger is lightyears ahead of BDNF in the looks department – still not comparable at all to FF. I’m still not so sure how a man so hot would ever have given me a chance 🙂

I called my mom yesterday to get an address for my aunt. She informed me that Ginger had found another lump in his groin. He will be flying in from CO in the next few days and staying with my parents while he gets his testing completed. I feel weird. First, I won’t be welcome at my parent’s house while he’s there. That’s not their call, but mine. Luckily, even though they only live around the corner, I don’t visit much. I also want to reach out, tell him I’m sorry and I’ll be keeping him in my thoughts and prayers. But I can’t. So I asked Sis once again to relay the message.

I don’t know why he still throws me for an emotional loop after all this time. We only dated for a year and it’s been 2.5 since we split up. I have found an equal in FF and something I wouldn’t give up. But for some reason, there’s still pain and anger when I think of Ginger. I know someday it will pass. Until then, I pray for strength and understanding for me and for good test results for GInger. XO

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12 responses

  1. Matt

    I’m sorry to hear the news. 😦 Hopefully he beats it this time too.

    I don’t think it’s strange to still feel emotion for someone who you’ve had strong feelings for in the past. It certainly doesn’t diminish the even stronger feelings you have for the people currently in your life. But to be expected to completely shut them off over the years seems unreasonable to me. That just tells me you’re human & a caring person. 🙂

    February 10, 2011 at 7:47 am

  2. I think it’s perfectly normal to have feelings like this. When you give a part of your heart to someone, whether it’s for one year or ten years, I don’t know if you ever fully get it back. You just choose to move forward with the person who is holding what’s left of it. Eventually, it will get easier though. I’m sure of that. I hope you can all find peace in such a tough situation.

    February 10, 2011 at 8:18 am

  3. Sarah

    I’m sorry about your ex having medical problems, but I have to say this. He has a hold on you, that from my perspective, is not right. I understand you loved him (gosh knows I know that feeling), and I understand your following his wishes not to contact him, but when it comes down to him keeping you from your own family just because he’s in town for tests, etc, that’s a little much. I know you said that’s your decision to do that, but your family is YOUR family, not his. They come before any friend/ex-friend/bf/exbf. You should never feel unwelcomed around your own family because someone from your past is visiting.
    I know it may sound like I’m just someone firing off and I don’t your situation (which I don’t personally know it), but I have been with someone who fits the description of your ex to a tee and I know the emotional attachment is so hard to let go of. With people like him, closure is not something that comes with a “final date” or anything. It’s something that only comes with time and your strength within. ((HUGS)) to you, my friend. If you ever want to talk, email me, k?

    February 10, 2011 at 9:24 am

  4. I still have pain and anger towards one of my exes, too. I think there are certain relationships that just do that to us. No matter how perfect our current life is and how horrible that one would have been/was, there’s just SOMETHING about some people that sicks with you.

    February 10, 2011 at 10:30 am

  5. I agree with what others are saying. You apparently had deep feelings for him when you were together, deeper than you had ever felt for anyone. When any person, place, or thing is associated with something that intense, it or he/she is always going to bring up pain. The pain will just dull over time. When they are still in the lives of your family, that just throws a whole new kink in it. Be strong. I respect your decision to stay away.

    And BTW sometime I need a lesson on what all your initials stand for 🙂 I know WHO FF is in your life but still haven’t figured out what FF is. BDNF? BGF is best girl friend, no?

    February 10, 2011 at 11:44 am

  6. g_bugg

    Hey You!!

    It’s totally BEYOND normal to feel the way you feel. There should be no side dish of guilt whatsoever. Pain and anger are totally justified, even though you dated for a short period of time he was clearly an emotional terrorist. Sometimes we neglect to acknowledge how much of an impact some people make on our lives. FF is the best of the best kind of impacts, Ginger was the opposite.

    Of course you would know (since we’re the same person)I have an ex in my life that I think of, we broke up over 8 years ago and still send the occasional email, and often on birthdays too.

    It’s so great that you’ve respected his wishes and not contacted him, and I’m SO SORRY to hear that he’s sick 😦 no matter how much you love or hate someone that’s the worst news that you can get, and because you’re such a loving compassionate person it’s only natural to be so saddened and to want to show your support, even if it’s through your sister. We could all use more people like you in our lives. It totally sucks that he’s staying with your parents, but they too are kind caring souls, I know that you would do the same thing if put in the position. (The Christmas thing is a little weird though, I mean, your sister wasn’t thinking about you at all, a little selfish on her part. If you did this to her I can only imagine how she’d feel. Walk a mile in anothers shoes before you make decisions like that.)

    I respect your positive attitude through all this. You are right, your life IS AWESOME!!! So much to be thankful for ❤ FF is amazing, the love you two share is beautiful.

    (Sickness aside: Sometimes people have sneaky ways of staying in our lives in hopes they'll hear we're miserable – it's so they can feel better about their crappy relationships… The human race has mastered the art of putting on a *happy face* when we're really not.)

    kisses
    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

    February 10, 2011 at 12:13 pm

  7. Allie Gresham

    Oh honey. Doesn’t it suck to have an ex that still haunts you? I know the feeling. I pray he is ok. You know I hate cancer. Thank you for your very honest blog. I don’t think I have the guts to be as honest as you just were.

    February 10, 2011 at 1:59 pm

  8. So I know I’m kind of new following you but I think you described this story well!

    I think it makes total sense how you’re feeling for a couple of reasons:

    1. It never feels right hearing the news of someone you care(d) about getting seriously ill.

    2. Though he may have asked you to cut ties with his life, he clearly hasn’t cut ties with yours.

    How are you expected to fully move on when he’s still hanging out with your sister and most of all your parents?

    He’s choosing to stay in your life. Doesn’t seem very fair to me.

    Good attitude girl!

    February 10, 2011 at 5:30 pm

  9. Jaysey

    I’m with everyone else who said your feelings are perfectly normal! I think we all have that one ex who can elicit those kind of feelings…and logic will never be able to explain,why…or stop us.

    February 10, 2011 at 7:48 pm

  10. ignotus mulier

    i’m not sure what to write here, as i mentioned i’m more of a lurker :s

    i agree with other commenters that your feelings are normal. and what you mentioned about seeing him at the bar on your birthday after your break up; i was bowling with friends and saw an ex who i’d broken up with several years before and i freaked out and couldn’t play the rest of the game. i just sat there all awkward and freaked out.
    i hope his tests go well and he beats his cancer again. and then moves on and out of your life so he can cause you no more turmoil.

    February 10, 2011 at 7:55 pm

  11. stineybean

    We all have the ex that made us crazy. I think there’s something inside us that wants to prove for once and for all that it’s not us that’s crazy. There’s this great Fiona Apple lyric, “you fondle my trigger then you blame my gun.” But what happened between you happened, and a while ago at that.
    In the end, you can only offer the hand of peace until it no longer feels natural. Given the ties he shares with your family, I’m surprised he hasn’t realized it might be a good idea to bury the hatchet. But I guess in his case, he needs his for his own defense. Don’t let that reflect upon the lovely, amazing, cheerful woman you’ve become.

    February 11, 2011 at 11:14 am

  12. Pingback: Where Does The Time Go « Nachoblog's Blog

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