Times Are Changing
Regardless of the day I had yesterday, by the time I got home I was in a bit of a funk. I know being tired was a large part of it. Due partially to money issues & partially to legal issues, I am not driving right now. No, I didn’t get a DWI or a speeding ticket. It’s more complicated (and innocuous) than that, but I don’t really want to get into it. Suffice it to say that right now I am VERY dependant on the kindness of others. Mainly FF of course. He now leaves for work at 5 and I get up and get ready. He grabs his work truck and heads back to grab me 45 minutes later. He drops me off at the bus stop at the hospital. I take two busses every morning to get to work. And then I walk a mile from the bus stop. He had been picking me up from work but it was just costing too much in gas. So now I am also walking a mile back to the bus stop in the afternoon and taking two more busses to meet FF close to home where he meets me and we go to the gym. It’s kind of exhausting. When the weather is bad, I have coworkers that will pick me up but I hate having to rely on people for transportation. Ok, that was all off the course of where I intended this post to go – I hate when that happens!
So, where was I? Oh yes, in a funk. We had gone to the gym & the library after he picked me up and when we got home it was 12 hours, a workout and a 2 mile walk since I’d been home. But instead of tired, I felt anxious. After running around all day, I couldn’t bring myself to just sit down and relax. I felt like I had stuff to do – but I didn’t. FF took a shower and I figured watching this week’s episode of Glee would make things better. No dice. Ok, well Jeopardy always perks me up. Nah, still not feeling it. So FF decided to put dinner together and I really had this nagging feeling I was in possession of a good, big cry that had to be let out. So I let him know I was gonna just take a long hot shower. He knows me well enough to know what was going on. He kissed me on the forehead and said, “Come back down when you have a fresh perspective on life.” I love that man! Have I ever told you that?!
So I prepped for a cathartic shower the way I always do – I put my iPod on my “Sing Along” playlist and turned the water to scalding. I would normally just get in, sit on the floor and let the big, ugly sobs come. But this time? Different. The first song to come on was Duffy’s “Breaking My Own Heart.” The jazziness got me singing along (and yes dancing even. I try not to dance in the shower very often as I’m terrified I will slip & fall and how the fuck do you explain THAT?). Next up was Joss Stone, then Norah Jones and by the time “Made For You” by Brandi Carlisle came on I was singing at the top of my lungs (probably much to the chagrin of our roommate who’s bedroom is right next to the bathroom – whoops!). I felt so refreshed and renewed! I couldn’t believe it! I came to realize though that I don’t get much “alone” time anymore. Yes, I ride the bus alone and I get some reading in (which is phenomenal! I’m on my 3rd book this month already!) and I have my walk where I normally tweet or text FF. But my car time? Was priceless. I could sing anything as loudly (and poorly) as I wanted and it felt good. So now, I need to vow to give myself time like this more frequently. I don’t know how frequently but I vow to allow myself the time and space to be unabashedly me in all my singing at the top of my lungs glory at least once a week. Hell, I could even just sit in my car in the driveway if it comes down to it. XO