This is my blog…nacho blog

The End

I never anticipated that I would write this blog post. And most definitely not because of this. I have tried to be 100% me on this blog. I wasn’t really sure when this journey started where my place in the blogging world was. And now? Six months later? I’m still not sure, but I’m much more confident and happy in the fact that it’s ok I don’t have a designation. I’m not a mommy blogger or a d-blogger. I’m not a 20-something blogger nor a sports blogger. I am all of those and none of those and more. I am me. And I am proud of this fact.

A few months ago I became aware my immediate family was reading this blog. I was very honored by this fact at first, happy that my family was reading. I was sure it was because my style of writing and their ability to learn things about me they didn’t know was too much to resist. But then I became paranoid and feeling they were reading to hold something over me. I’ve learned that those are both true. My mom has been reading to stay current in my life. Sis? Different agenda.

While I tried not to let it intimidate me and attempted to continue writing under a certain veil of anonymity, I changed my tone. I don’t know why I felt like I couldn’t be 100% me with my mom & sister reading, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to talk about my sex life or complain too loudly (although I still did both occasionally). I really don’t know why. I can’t put my finger on it but I couldn’t take the judging if they knew every minute detail. I don’t have the foggiest idea why I felt more comfortable exposing my super dark secrets to the interwebs, but I did. In writing and sharing these parts of me I felt a release. People told me they understood. People told me I inspired them. Those are two things I don’t think I’ve heard a lot in my life. I’ve never felt unloved, I just always felt that parts of my habits and thoughts were weird, and if I shared them (with anyone) they would think I was strange. When I started reading other people’s writing, I realized that the internet was a great place to be you. It’s not high school or clique-y. Everyone is free to be themselves, whatever that means. If you’re a perverted, arachnaphobic, nerdy, tech smart jock? You can find a place here. And people will like you. And those who don’t? You will rarely know they even exist. It’s amazing.

I started using this blog as therapy. I could write here and it was safe. The people that came to visit & read were kind with their words & reflections. I felt more & more comfortable to be honest. I felt like I made connections with others that I hadn’t yet experienced in my day to day life. I think it started with blogging about my diabetes. For the first time since my diagnosis, I wasn’t alone. Even if I didn’t know these people in real life. When I started feeling that way about diabetes, I started to explore other topics. Most recently I have been brutally honest about my anxiety disorder. It’s something I’ve tried to hide for a long time but I felt safe. No one was going to call be a freak…in fact, most people thanked me for the honesty and were so kind, compassionate & understanding that I felt so free. For the first time in my WHOLE LIFE I realized that having an anxiety disorder it not only ok, it’s quite common. Again, I didn’t feel alone.

Sis often commented (rudely) that she didn’t understand why I felt I could tell complete strangers this stuff but not my family. Again, not once have I been judged by what I had to say on my blog. But in real life? Judged constantly. I don’t take good enough care of myself. I am a disappointment to my parents. I am an alcoholic. I am irresponsible. It has always been this way with her. And she gets more hurtful & spiteful every day. Last night she made another insinuation that I am an alcoholic. Actually, insinuation wasn’t the right word. She told me I couldn’t care for a child because I am, “out boozing every night.” News to me! In the last month I had drinks for my birthday and drinks at a friend’s wedding. No beers at home. No going out other than that. And that’s what it’s been like for a few months. I won’t deny that while I was going through my separation and divorce more than three years ago, I was self medicating with alcohol. I am aware & ashamed of this. However, that was three years ago. I have done much counseling to learn better & healthier ways to deal with my stress, depression & anxiety. And now? Alcohol doesn’t scare me. I don’t need and I rarely even use it anymore. As a matter of fact I was given 4 bottles of homebrew by my neighbor for my birthday. BRE just drank them this weekend (FF got them replaced because he’s a SAINT!). If I was an alcoholic would those have still been there? What about the ½ bottle of Coconut Rum on the bar? Or the 6 shooters in our closet? I think not. It’s especially hurtful when she calls me an alcoholic while I’m drinking a Diet Coke and she’s downing a wine spritzer (Pot? Meet  kettle!)

So because of this, and so much more that is very private (and would remain so even if not for this bullshit drama) I have decided to stop writing this blog. I may set up shop somewhere else eventually because I have found this writing to be so extremely therapeutic. Even FF comments on how not only does he like to read but he can understand  how my writing helps me work through things on a different level than talking them out with him, friends or my therapist, But for now I must protect my heart and emotions. That is what’s most important. I appreciate everyone’s love, support & comments over the last few months. I have made some friends here that I consider “real” (whatever that word means anymore). And I hope you’ll keep your eyes out for me. I’ve also changed my twitter name so as not to be found by people who I would like to stay in hiding from. If you were already following me, this change will not effect you. If you weren’t, send an e-mail to me at saucyredhead915 {at} yahoo {dot} com and if I can verify you’re not trying to infiltrate, I’ll give you the new handle. Thanks again everyone. I’ll catch ya on the flip side! XOXO

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14 responses

  1. we will miss you. ❤

    October 7, 2010 at 2:55 pm

  2. Mammywoo

    Such a shame. X

    October 7, 2010 at 2:56 pm

  3. That’s a shame about abandoning the blog, but totally understandable. I guess at my age I don’t have to worry about opinions as much as a younger person does. So I pretty much blog whatever.

    October 7, 2010 at 3:04 pm

  4. You’ll be missed but I can understand where you are coming from… I anxiously await your return

    October 7, 2010 at 3:04 pm

  5. I adore you and think you are an amazing women who writes from her soul. Its hard to do that when people may ridicule you. Do what is write for you and FF. Try to keep your chin up my friend….

    See you on the flip side.

    October 7, 2010 at 3:20 pm

  6. I hate that you feel you cant blog without repercussions. I will miss your post.. DM me ( you know where) if and when you set up shop again.. or name change.
    When you leave… delete the post and lock the doors.
    Love to you.

    October 7, 2010 at 3:23 pm

  7. I told you earlier that I think you should what is right for you. I’m going to miss reading your posts. Your voice has developed over the past few months. It is such a shame that while you are finding a place that is comfortable for you to “talk” things out it is now being used against you. So you know, you have given me a lot of inspiration the last few months. I look forward to your new beginning when you are ready to share.

    October 7, 2010 at 3:58 pm

  8. Beth

    Awww now what am I going to read at work to start my night off??! It was kind of nice to keep in touch with you this way, even if it was only one-sided. Hope we can hang out again soon!

    October 7, 2010 at 4:17 pm

  9. @NotPinnock

    Wow. Great read, truthful and right from the heart.

    There’s a saying that Facebook is where you lie to people you know and Twitter is where you’re honest to strangers. I think you hit on that perfectly in your 3rd paragraph. This strange internet of a place can be a great release when we just need to be ourselves, free of others preconceived notions.

    There’s a whole community out there (here?) willing to embrace honest people. I know that I’ve enjoyed following you on Twitter and reading your blog. Must sound weird coming from a total stranger like myself …

    I hope you continue to find ways to express yourself freely as well as the freedom to tip one back without fear of being judged. Here’s to you!

    Best,

    @NotPinnock

    October 8, 2010 at 7:34 am

  10. I don’t comment often, but I’ll miss reading about you.
    Take care of yourself!

    October 8, 2010 at 8:05 am

  11. Jaysey

    I highly recommend setting up shop somewhere else. I’ve changed my blog location a few tmes, AND the exact things you’re talking about led to the password that protects some of my blog entries.

    October 8, 2010 at 3:53 pm

  12. Wow, it sucks that you started feeling so self conscious on your own blog. I hope you find a new space where you feel free.

    October 8, 2010 at 9:12 pm

  13. Pingback: Looking Back « Nachoblog's Blog

  14. Pingback: Midwestern Mama is Here!!! « Nachoblog's Blog

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