A Letter to Myself
I saw Joanna & Tiffany discussing this on Twitter and I immediately knew I wanted in! They’re doing a blog hop that asks you to write a letter to your younger self. At any age & for any reason. So I’m going back to what was easily the most difficult time in my life. It was three years ago and I had a new heartbreaking diabetes diagnosis, a marriage in shambles and a sister who had everything I wanted while my life was falling apart. I made it through alive (and better than ever if you ask me!) but there are definitely some things I know now that I wish someone would have told me then. So, I’ll take it upon myself to do so.
Dear Saucy circa 2007,
Cry. Let it out. You’ve been through a terrible ordeal and you don’t have to be strong for anyone else. Also, get on that medication and to a counselor sooner rather than later. There’s no shame in admitting you need help. You’re about to lose some friends but that’s ok because you’re also about to learn who your real friends are. The friends who will take your phone calls in the middle of the night when you’re feeling scared and lonely. The friends who will invite you to everything that they do just to get you out of the house (Go! Meet new people – it will be fun!). Soak up this time with your family. I know being around Sis and BIL is tough right now but it’s just as hard for them because they don’t know what to do or say either. When BMan is born, it will save your life so cherish this time while he’s incubating. Sis is a wealth of knowledge when it comes to your health and she’s willing to help – all you have to do is ask.
I know you feel that throwing yourself into taking care of your diabetes seems like a good idea right now (and it is!) but someday you will learn that only one things really controls diabetes. That one thing? Is diabetes. You will struggle for years to come about how to best deal with this disease. You’ll look back at your diagnosis and say, “It was so easy then! Why is it so hard now?!” That’s because right now you will only take time for your diabetes so in the future when you have a “normal life” again you won’t be able to devote the same time & energy. But take it easy on yourself. Super control is not a cure. You will have many ups & downs, trials & tribulations and joys & sorrows. It’s all part of the diabetes roller coaster. It doesn’t really get any easier, but you will learn to cope. And you will meet some great people through the DOC who will make you feel like you are not alone for the first time in a long time.
You will meet boys – lots of boys. You will make mistakes. These mistakes will shape you and change you and that’s ok. You are 26 years old and have been with one man since you were 17. It’s natural to be curious. It’s natural to experiment. But don’t lose yourself. Don’t let the men you meet shape your definition of yourself. Don’t make them the most important thing. YOU are the most important thing in your life and please don’t EVER lose sight of yourself. In a few months, you will meet a certain boy. He will treat you like a princess and it will feel like that happy ending you’ve wanted for so long. You need this. Jump right in, feet first. It will be some of the sweetest love you’ve ever known. He is tender and kind and careful with your heart. Warning, he will break your heart too – but you know this. You will know it from the moment you meet – but ignore that nagging voice and go for it. It will be hard but you need this. You need to take time to work on your mental health and this is what will push you to finally get well. I know I could’ve said stay away from him but you know we don’t believe in regrets. Any bad decision is a lesson learned. You still have so much to learn. And one day, when you’re feeling particularly sad and alone, you will meet someone new. In the most unlikeliest of places through the most unlikeliest person. But you will meet him. And he will complete you. It won’t be an easy road but one that is more worth taking than anything you’ve ever done before. Don’t give up, even in those moments of doubt. He loves you. He loves you for who you are, not who he thinks you can be. He will test your sanity & your patience but you both will pass this test and create something more phenomenal than you can ever dream of. Your heart will be happy and your mind will be free. He will help make you stable and not because he wants it for himself, but because he wants you to be just as happy with who you are as he is. And that is the biggest gift that ANYONE has ever given to you. You will realize that while you’ve loved before, you’ve never loved like this. It’s an incredible partnership and for the first time, you will feel like an equal in every aspect of your relationship. Just hold on girl because this boy will make everything that you’ve endured worth it.
Hang in there sweet girl. It’s tough, I know! But you will make it through this a stronger, happier & healthier person. And remember, crying and asking for help? It’s ok – DO IT.