FF Makes My World Round
Sometimes I feel like all I do is sing the praises of FF. I hope you guys aren’t already sick of hearing how phenomenal he is. If so, you should probably stop reading now because ‘ to get mushy. I love this man with everything that I am. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G! He is the most patient, honest, caring person I have ever had the opportunity to love. I knew I loved him very early on in our “courtship” (I promise, “Our Story” is a post I am working on. Probably to be posted in June – the one year anniversary of living together.) I wasn’t so sure about if those feeling were reciprocated (I love that word. And reciprocity. I don’t know why – I just do). I’ve put him through a lot these last few weeks. We both talked about what a pump hiatus would mean. We talked about money, health and mostly I warned him I would be a bitch with a capital B while my body adjusted. We talked everything through and not only did he support my decision, he said it didn’t matter what came his way he wasn’t going anywhere (swoon!). Well Transition Day came and the first few days after that were all right. I was working on developing a new routine and trying very hard to get everything to come together. Then by St. Patty’s day I was a mess. That little coaching voice inside my head that had been saying, “Good job! I knew you could do this. It’s like riding a bike!” quickly changed to one saying, “Don’t eat that! Take more insulin! You can do better than this! Stricter diet! Tighter control!” I hated that voice. And I let it eat away inside my brain and my moods spiraled downward quickly. It was not pretty. Add that to the fact that over the next week I paid $165 to get my car legal and inspected only to have it STILL not ready for inspection (and needing at least another $100 of work!) and the fact I didn’t get the job I applied for and I was in an ugly place (you should know that I have a strong family AND personal history with depression and anxiety). Well, FF to the rescue. He looked at me and said, “I know you don’t wanna talk about this but you have to. What’s been going through your mind these last few days?” It hit me then that no matter how hard I’d tried to hide everything, I had become desperately transparent (although somehow he always sees right through me – I have a love/hate relationship with that fact). He told me I had to get outta my funk – not for him, not for work and not for friends, but for me. I told him I didn’t know what was going on – and that was the truth. I had let too many issues pile up over a short time span and I simply felt like I was drowning. I couldn’t extract a singular cohesive thought. So then he told me what my issues were. He reminded me I was going through a difficult transition (that affected me both mentally AND physically) and that I’d been spending a lot of money on a car that still wasn’t legal as well as finding out I was not going anywhere at work. When I was able to look at all of these concerns separate of one another, they became much easier to tackle. I let him validate me and then I validated myself. I thought, “If he can accept me like this and he still wants to help, I need to learn to accept myself.” So I vowed to wake up on the right side of the bed the next day – no matter what. And you know what, I did! My sunny disposition is back and it’s only partly mind over matter at this point (the first few days took a lot more mind over matter!). It feels good to be back to my old self. It feels great to be able to control the Diabetes Police that are within my head (check out Adriana’s newest post on this topic!). My sugars are falling into place and life is good!
We talked about all that on our way to NH on Saturday. I’ve still been very emotional (and by emotional I mean a sobbing mess!). I thanked him for helping me through that. Then he began to talk about how I don’t give myself enough credit. He said that I so often focus on the negative and feeling not good enough that I forget to see where I’ve come from and how far I’ve gotten. Is this man for real? He accepts me even though I’m messy, crude and emotional?! Sometimes I think maybe I’m not the crazy one in this relationship after all 🙂 Oh, and last night, he offered to paint my nails for me because my shaking was so bad (oh yeah, I also was diagnosed with an Essential Tremor in my teens – fun fun!). Gosh darnit, I love my life! XO